Revision essay about asceticism
I completed the essay and the tutor gave me the specific feedback for my essay but I got no time to revise my essay.
I want you to revise my essay according to the instructor’s guideline and add up few more paragraphs.
Here’s the guideline he gave me.
Make sure that you include a thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph that follows the format on the Thesis Worksheet. In thsi draft, you are using two paragraphs to intorduce your topic – that’s too long.
You have set up a clear comparison- and you argue it well- but you need to include more discussion of the significance of these differences. Why are they important? A research question always tries to answer the “why?”
Try to make your language more concise. For example, the section that runs “The ascetic is often mistaken….Sainthood.” could be one, concise sentence. Revise throughout.
Cite the passage from St. Jerome. Better yet- do not use a Christian authority in a comparison of Buddhism and Hinduism.
This needs to be more heavily rooted in your research material. In a paper like this, every claim you make needs to be supported. As it stands, you have paragraphs that are almost entirely summary, but do not have citations.
Where is the Deegalle, Encylcpoedia reference on the Works Cited?
* for citation, if you cannot find Deegalle’s article, you can just replace it with another source and use it. thanks
